United Kingdom

Writing this last entry has been hard. It will be harder for you to read it, so I apologise.

I left home in a bad situation. Life really wasn't what I wanted it to be and I was in a downhill spiral, the 21st of January I hit a peak of hurting myself to a point where I didn't care anymore. I completely broke down and I knew it was bad. That night I thought of suicide, which was a big thing because before I had never ever even considered it. Death scares me, and I always thought that things would get better eventually so it wasn't worth it. That night I text a friend who I've relied on a lot before. We hadn't spoken much recently but they helped me. I was scared and alone that night and I shared the problem and it helped it go away, albeit just for that night. Those last weeks I was stressed and tired, not just exhausted by work but by life. Hating being alone, upset, hurt... not ever having a solution, just stuck in a dead end. The day before I left I looked on the back on the painkiller box to see how many it would take to kill me. I sat on the floor and cried, because I realised what I was doing, and it was so stupid. It was stupid because this was something I had thought I would never do, it was stupid because like some kind of zombie I was doing this without any control of it myself, and it was stupid because no-one even knew I was in this kind of state. At that point, my trip was a lifeline. Knowing myself, I probably wouldn't ever have taken those pills, but jesus, I scared myself.

My trip was something to look forward to. Researching and organising it kept me busy and provided a nice distraction. It was a finish line for me to drag myself to. I had a goal to reach. It was also a cure, if it wasn't going to fix me by the end then I was more broken than I realised.

The first few days in New York were hard, but I adjusted. The first 5 airports up until I landed at Auckland, I would get badly homesick and scared again, going into the unknown. No amount of planning could ever have prepared me for that. But I stuck it out, because I'm stubborn and I was determined to make my trip work. Sometimes I did get really lonely, and wished that I didn't have to do it alone and that someone was there to share the things I was seeing. But I didn't have any choice, if I wanted to do this trip, I had to do it alone. I'm massively, unashamedly proud of what I've done. I've come back from this trip having seen and experienced so many different things and learnt so much and that in turn has filled me with even more confidence in myself than before. I met a lot of people along the road, who all played a part in making my trip that little bit better, because when you're travelling on your own they're all pretty important. I also know now that I can do it, this was a challenge and I overcame it, just like I'm sure the next few years will throw more challenges my way and I will overcome them too.

Best of all though, is that I've stopped hurting from what happened with Stuart. I also realised a week into the Cook Islands, amid emails, that he is selfish, and I don't think I've deserved the lack of respect or care he's given in this last year since we've been apart. I used to hope that one day he would be mature enough to talk to me again, but now I don't care, I'm too angry. Before I also gave consideration to how he and others may view this, but frankly, I've been honest, which is more than he has been to me. I guess what goes around comes around.

Another plus is that I went to Raglan to see a good friend Nash, met Colin and had the whole Raglan experience. Like I've said before, life in Raglan was exactly how I've wanted it to be for years, and I think it was that which really fixed me. I was completely me there, no pretending to be happy, no glossing over the bad bits. It showed me life's good side again, something which seemed only in memories for so long.

Now that I've admitted all of this to you; family, friends, even strangers... I don't want you to treat me differently, whether it to think me weird, or to treat me like a china vase, that's not what I want. There's such a anti-social association with self harm and that's only because people don't understand it, which I guess does figure, but I hope that through reading this I've maybe shed just a little, tiny, glimmer of light on the subject. Don't be apprehensious (think I just made that word up) of me, or feel sorry, talk to me about it even... I just want you to try and understand. For me, self-harm was another way of forgetting the emotional pain for a little while. It was the extreme, the rest of the time I tried to forget through writing, talking and sharing my hurt. If anyone ever needs to talk, I will listen. I won't fix the problem, but talking about it and not brewing it over in your head makes such a huge difference, or at least it did for me. I hope I don't sound like I'm preaching in a really cheesy way, but I quite seriously mean all of this. I've come back from this trip realising more than ever the importance of talking to people, the importance of friends. I guess that's the moral of my story.

Many thanks to those who read this blog, especially those who left comments, sent emails etc, all very much appreciated and needed along the road.

much love as ever,

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Edinburgh - Heathrow - New York - L.A - Rarotonga - Aitutaki - Rarotonga - Auckland - Sydney - Cairns - Sydney - Phenom Penh - Bangkok - Heathrow - Edinburgh

Just thought I'd pop in a quick word before I leave, because who knows when I'll next have internet access. Or atleast, be able to afford such frivolities as the internet. I will have to make choices such as, will I have that nice piece of chocolate cake and a cup of tea, or the internet. I think we all know which I will choose.

I've decided I'm going to be as honest as possible in this blog, and for that to work I need to explain a few things about why I've choosen to bum about around the world for 6 months.

The first reason is easy really, I've wanted to do a gap year for ages, and although I did change my mind a fair few times about the destination, it's only because there's sooo many places I want to go. I'll admit I did chicken out of Tibet though because it is pretty unstable and the chances of things going wrong would be massively increased. Also, I wanted to do it on my own, under my own steam, and not be lead about in a group and paying for the privilidge of not making my own choices. It's probably the harder way of doing things, and my mum and dad are terrified this way, but I'm optomistic everything will be mostly alright and I'll just take the good with the bad.

The second reason for wanting to get away would be due to the god awful 2007 I've had. School sucked, I didn't know what I was wanting to do with my life or even the next year. But more notably though, my break up from Stu. I've always hated being single, and wanted a boyfriend for ages. Two heartbreaks in (probably due to my own naivety, but it still hurt) and I thought Stu would solve everything, atleast for a while, and he was who I'd waited for, and HE actually liked ME. I was really happy and he meant a lot to me. So when that ended I found it really difficult to deal with, infact, I still do. I'm not out to blame, and I know Stu had to do it for his own reasons. But that doesn't make it any easier to bare and I've had more than my fair share of tears and hours of tossing and turning and sleepless nights. I also slipped back into self harm, something which began nearly 2 years ago now. It's something which I found helped me (I know it's hard to understand, please bare with me) because the pain of cutting blocked out the pain of everything else. I don't want or expect any sympathy or understanding for this, but I want to be honest in the hope that when I come home things will be better. Anyway, I've tried to hide this pit of depression I've been wallowing in, and kept it mostly to myself bar a few friends. I know that noone likes depressed people, probably because it's hard to understand but more likely because they kill the fun, and I realise that. So on the inside I'm in pieces but on the outside I'm happy little old me. I think much more time here and I probably wouldn't be able to do that anymore. Crashing my car has topped things off, and I'm finding it more and more difficult to deal with things on my own. I realise I'm increasingly unstable in my mind, and I don't think I trust myself anymore to not do something stupid.

I hope noone ever finds depression like this; when I'm not around people I feel so alone and lost, my moods swinging all over the place (ususally the fault of music on shuffle) and a desire to just be happy and normal. I'm really lucky with what I have, which makes me feel so selfish just to want one thing and feel so hopeless without it. But thats probably why love is such a big thing. I know also, that I am a massively over-emotional loser. But I can't do anything about that, thats just me. So don't even bother telling me to get over it, because you've probably either 1/ got a long term girlfriend/boyfriend or 2/ never been dumped by someone you really care for. Anyway, on the bright side, I'm hoping that I can get away, see some cool stuff and sort myself out. I beleive in Karma and so I hope that good (really, really good) times are on their way, so for now I'll just keep my fingers crossed.

Sorry to lower the mood there, but I think honesty is the best policy while I'm striving for just the tiniest bit of understanding.

Much love,
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"most secrets are sent anonymously, but the secrets that arrive from young people ususally stand out; their passions run deeper, their loneliness feels more desolate, their joy is expansive... they come from brave explorers finding their way through a wilderness."

Frank Warren

http://postsecret.blogspot.com - helps put things in perspective.