01.02.2008 - 01.02.2008
Just thought I'd pop in a quick word before I leave, because who knows when I'll next have internet access. Or atleast, be able to afford such frivolities as the internet. I will have to make choices such as, will I have that nice piece of chocolate cake and a cup of tea, or the internet. I think we all know which I will choose.
I've decided I'm going to be as honest as possible in this blog, and for that to work I need to explain a few things about why I've choosen to bum about around the world for 6 months.
The first reason is easy really, I've wanted to do a gap year for ages, and although I did change my mind a fair few times about the destination, it's only because there's sooo many places I want to go. I'll admit I did chicken out of Tibet though because it is pretty unstable and the chances of things going wrong would be massively increased. Also, I wanted to do it on my own, under my own steam, and not be lead about in a group and paying for the privilidge of not making my own choices. It's probably the harder way of doing things, and my mum and dad are terrified this way, but I'm optomistic everything will be mostly alright and I'll just take the good with the bad.
The second reason for wanting to get away would be due to the god awful 2007 I've had. School sucked, I didn't know what I was wanting to do with my life or even the next year. But more notably though, my break up from Stu. I've always hated being single, and wanted a boyfriend for ages. Two heartbreaks in (probably due to my own naivety, but it still hurt) and I thought Stu would solve everything, atleast for a while, and he was who I'd waited for, and HE actually liked ME. I was really happy and he meant a lot to me. So when that ended I found it really difficult to deal with, infact, I still do. I'm not out to blame, and I know Stu had to do it for his own reasons. But that doesn't make it any easier to bare and I've had more than my fair share of tears and hours of tossing and turning and sleepless nights. I also slipped back into self harm, something which began nearly 2 years ago now. It's something which I found helped me (I know it's hard to understand, please bare with me) because the pain of cutting blocked out the pain of everything else. I don't want or expect any sympathy or understanding for this, but I want to be honest in the hope that when I come home things will be better. Anyway, I've tried to hide this pit of depression I've been wallowing in, and kept it mostly to myself bar a few friends. I know that noone likes depressed people, probably because it's hard to understand but more likely because they kill the fun, and I realise that. So on the inside I'm in pieces but on the outside I'm happy little old me. I think much more time here and I probably wouldn't be able to do that anymore. Crashing my car has topped things off, and I'm finding it more and more difficult to deal with things on my own. I realise I'm increasingly unstable in my mind, and I don't think I trust myself anymore to not do something stupid.
I hope noone ever finds depression like this; when I'm not around people I feel so alone and lost, my moods swinging all over the place (ususally the fault of music on shuffle) and a desire to just be happy and normal. I'm really lucky with what I have, which makes me feel so selfish just to want one thing and feel so hopeless without it. But thats probably why love is such a big thing. I know also, that I am a massively over-emotional loser. But I can't do anything about that, thats just me. So don't even bother telling me to get over it, because you've probably either 1/ got a long term girlfriend/boyfriend or 2/ never been dumped by someone you really care for. Anyway, on the bright side, I'm hoping that I can get away, see some cool stuff and sort myself out. I beleive in Karma and so I hope that good (really, really good) times are on their way, so for now I'll just keep my fingers crossed.
Sorry to lower the mood there, but I think honesty is the best policy while I'm striving for just the tiniest bit of understanding.
"most secrets are sent anonymously, but the secrets that arrive from young people ususally stand out; their passions run deeper, their loneliness feels more desolate, their joy is expansive... they come from brave explorers finding their way through a wilderness."
http://postsecret.blogspot.com - helps put things in perspective.